Diet Guru's Wife
Lately, I've been battling some seriously intense sugar addictions. So, when my oldest daughter asked the following question this weekend during her sleepover, I knew I’d hit a confection concrete wall.
My darling little angel, who under normal circumstances, can barely udder audible words when asked a question, walked confidently up to me with her friend at her side (obviously for safety purposes). She asked in the sweetest voice humanly possible, “Mommy?” (Really? You’re calling me “Mommy?” This was going to be a doozy!) “Could we please have some donuts for breakfast?” I told you it was going to be a whopper! Was she delusional? Had this child bumped her head? What on earth would make her think I would drive her and her little bodyguard to the donut shop? Let’s face it. Buying donuts would successfully divide our household faster than Moses parted the Red Sea. Well, I was not going to be part of the Egyptian army and face my demise by drowning all because of a couple of circular confections. So, I came up with the next-best solution. Get The Diet Guru to agree.
I told my child, and her trusty sidekick, that if they wanted donuts, they would have to get the king's blessing. The look of panic that, consequently, fell over her sweet face was priceless. Her eyes grew big and she very quietly muttered, “I feel like I’m being set up.” Her poor lady in waiting had no idea what was about to happen as they walked the long hall down to The Diet Guru’s chambers. As they turned into his office, I couldn’t help myself but to rush down the hallway, tracing the steps they had just walked, just to watch their faces as The Diet Guru issued his decision.
They stood safely at the door; our daughter in front with her bodyguard at a safe distance behind her. The Diet Guru sat on his throne (office chair, not toilet) and listened as they (she) stated her case. He asked what she was willing to give up if she got donuts. “What?” She was confused. He asked the same question again, hoping she would understand it this time. “I don’t understand,” she said. Again, he asked her the same exact question. ("What doesn’t he understand?" I thought to myself.) “Huh?” she asked, totally confused now. I interjected quickly to avoid going crazy myself. “I would like to speak for my client,” I said. The Diet Guru raised his eyebrows and said, “Oh. I see. She’s your client. Now you’re taking sides?” I could feel the Red Sea parting and knew I had to move quickly. “What if the girls eat healthy all week, and then they can have whatever they want on Saturdays? Would that be okay with you?” The eyebrows were now sitting straight and narrow on his brow, and he looked calm. “Now that would work,” he said. “Would that work for me, too? I could eat healthy all week and then on Saturday, do whatever I want. What do you think of that?” Was I certifiably crazy? How did that come out of my mouth? Why did that come out of my mouth? The Diet Guru just looked at me and said those words where you know that it’s not going to work, but you do it anyway, just because you can. “Try it,” he said.
The girls and I jumped in the car and with lightning speed drove to the local donut shop, where they make their donuts with real ingredients (yes, it makes me feel better), and we bought enough for all the kids and their sugar-coated chauffeur. The donuts were the best donuts I’ve ever had in my life, and I loved every minute of devouring them. I did not, however, love every minute of how I felt after they hit my tummy tum tum. My body rejected the fried confections faster than a cannonball shoots out of a cannon, if you catch my Big “D” drift. The Diet Guru’s words, “Try it,” were still ringing in my ears. And I wasn’t the only one. The Duchesses of Donuts rode high on their sugary chariots until they got too close to the sun (noon), in which case they melted into a gooey glob of gloominess, complete with a case of, “My ear hurts. My throat is sore. And, I have a headache.” In our home, they’re affectionately known as the three princesses; Unwell Belle, Sleeping Puny and Cinder-ILL-a.
The next day, I was pouting in the kitchen, reminiscing about all the sweet treats I’ve had in my past life, when The Diet Guru walked in and asked what was bothering me. When I told him, he suggested I try Organic Plain Whole Milk Yogurt mixed with Jay Robb Vanilla Whey Protein Powder. Holy cow's milk, it was delish! It was everything I wanted it to be and so much more! The girls loved it, too! He explained that there are ways to eat healthy and still enjoy things that are sweet. Now we can enjoy healthy “sweets” throughout the week without making ourselves sick. I can’t wait to try more recipes and am stoked as I make out my shopping list for Whole Foods. The possibilities are endless! What secret sugarless snacks are you eating?
The Diet Guru asked me the other day, “Sweetheart? Why do you think you’re overweight?” (Pregnant pause…) Ummm…okay, SLIM! I didn’t realize that I was OVERWEIGHT! Poor Diet Guru, he actually looked shocked that I was offended. But I was!!! How dare he, with his ripped abs and tiny hiney, sit there and call me OVERWEIGHT! I thought I was voluptuous, curvaceous, had an hour-glass figure reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe. When did I become OVERWEIGHT???
The Diet Guru explained to me that these were not his words, they were my words. (Yeah…nice save!) He went on to explain, as he back-peddled his way to forgiveness freedom, that he always hears me talk about how I am overweight and wondered why I thought that. (And he wins by a nose!) Well, he did have me there. I do always talk about how I am overweight. Even my kids quote me, saying, “Mom always talks about how fat she is and how she has a big butt. She always says she needs to lose weight because she’s fat!” Wow! Out of the mouths of babes. It was true! I DO think that I am overweight! I began to wonder if that had anything to do with my constant struggle with weight. (And we have a winner!!!)
Recently, I watched an episode of Oprah’s “Lifeclass”. In this particular episode, they were talking about changing your story if it is holding you back. I realized that I have been stuck in the same story about being overweight for years! The same old sad story about not being able to lose weight, eating too much food, loving food to the point that I can’t STOP EATING once I start! I realized that I HAVE been living THIS SAD story!
But I didn’t want to live this story anymore. Heck! I wanted out of the whole dadgum book! I needed a new story…and fast! And who better to write that story than ME! After all, no one knows what I need better than myself. Even The Diet Guru, buff as he may be, doesn’t know as much about what I need as I do. So, I decided to start writing my own story. In my story, I am healthy, with no addictions…peaceful. I can’t tell you how freeing it is. I feel like Julie Andrews on the mountain singing, “The hills are alive with the sound of music!”
I have been living this new lifestyle for the past week now and I feel fantastic! Don’t get me wrong, I’m still The Diet Guru’s #1 Guinea Pig, and I’m happy right where I am. I eat healthy food, paying close attention to every bite that passes my lips. Food no longer is my focus. Peaceful has become my mantra. I’m happily at peace in my story book of life!
Do you have any idea how utterly embarrassing it is to have a server in a restaurant mistake your food for your husband’s plate of food when delivering it? I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I EAT LIKE A PIG AT A BARNYARD BUFFET!
This happened more than once, while on vacation with The Diet Guru in the Keys. One time, the server appeared with a fresh green salad, topped with grilled Mahi Mahi (dressing on the side, of course) and assumed that it was mine, while plopping down the plate of spicy wings and smoked fish dip in front of my poor hubby. At one point, the Diet Guru referred to my cuisine as a “redneck combo." I guess that was a pretty accurate description. Hot wings, smoked fish dip with tortilla chips, along with beer and ice cream from the local grocery store for dessert. It was a meal that Jeff Foxworthy would be proud to consume. I could almost hear him say, "When your main course at dinner consists of bar food and beer, you just might be a redneck."
One morning, we decided to eat at a place called “The Stuffed Pig." We ordered (and shared) the “World Famous Pig’s Breakfast." I don’t want to “boar” you with specifics, but I have to tell you that it was THE BEST BREAKFAST I HAVE EVER HAD! It had 2 eggs, 2 pieces of bacon, 2 pieces of sausage, 2 pancakes, hash browns and toast. Eating our breakfast, it reminded me of that nursery rhyme…
“Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
And so between them both, you see,
They licked the platter clean.”
The next day, The Diet Guru decided to go another direction (scrambled egg whites, breakfast potatoes and pancakes) while I had “The Piglet," which is half of the “World Famous Pig’s Breakfast." Of course, they tried to give my manly feast to The Diet Guru, but I graciously told them that it belonged to the Porky Pig at the table. Interesting that they knew exactly who I was talking about. Hmmmmm....
All in all, though, I did a pretty good job of eating on the Jay Robb Diet for Travelers and came out unscathed at the end of our vacation to paradise in The Keys. I tried to order items that I had seen The Diet Guru order, and it worked! My colon continued rollin’ (something that many times ceases to roll when traveling, leaving you with that not-so-fresh-and-lively feeling), and the numbers on the scale stayed where they needed to. By drinking Jay Robb “Rejuvenator” protein shakes (The Diet Guru’s fat-melting protein shake recipe is revealed in the upcoming Jay Robb Diet) during the trip, I could resist the urge to consume redneck combos and “swine”fully fattening breakfast fare! (Okay, so I slipped a couple of times…I’M NOT A DIET GURU…I’M A HUMAN!)
I can’t wait for The Diet Guru to complete this new book for you all to use in your travels. "Th-th-th-that's all folks!"
The other day, the question came up, “Does The Diet Guru have any addictions to foods?” Well, I don’t know if I’d categorize it as an “addiction," but I will tell you that he is completely obsessed with….(are you ready for this?)…fruit. I mean most people have an obsession for cookies, cakes, donuts, chips and dips. But not The Diet Guru. Even his food weakness is healthy (go figure).
It’s no surprise that for over 7 years, The Diet Guru worked in the produce department of a health-food store. He loves to tell stories of when he used to sit in the back of the store and eat huge quantities of figs, when they were in season. He couldn’t wait for Bing Cherry season, so he could pop them into his mouth like popcorn. His fondness for a Meyer Lemon is like watching a love story, where the lover has just returned from a long period away from home. First, his eyes lock in on their orange skin. He squints, making sure that his eyes aren’t deceiving him. Then he walks, slowly toward them. He speaks, almost whispering, “Are those Meyer Lemons?” As he draws closer, he reaches out with one hand. Gently, he picks up the tender fruit and caresses it in his hand, gazing longingly at its radiant orange glow. He speaks of how sweet it is and how he longs to squeeze it and make…LEMONADE!!!
If you think he’s out of control in a produce department in a store, you should see him on Oahu. There are signs EVERYWHERE that say, “Ice Cold Coconuts." And, do you know how I know they’re everywhere? Because he POINTS THEM OUT! Every time we drive by one of those stands, he yells out, “LOOK! Ice cold coconuts!” It doesn’t matter that I’m looking at the OCEAN! Nope, I MUST turn around NOW, or I might miss the coveted ice cold coconuts! I don’t even like coconuts. Yet, for some reason, The Diet Guru insists that if I would only try a fresh coconut, I would also love them as much as he does. Countless times, I have “tried” fresh coconut, just to convince my husband that I DON’T LIKE COCONUTS! I do not like them here or there. I would not like them anywhere. Not in a house. Not with a mouse. Not in a box, or with a fox. I DO NOT LIKE THEM, GURU-I’M-NOT! But, I learned early on…never get between a man and his coconuts. He will defend them until he goes to that big coconut grove in the sky.
But I think The Diet Guru’s favorite fruits of all time are papaya and mango. When we stay at the hotel in Oahu, we eat the breakfast buffet every morning. The Diet Guru eats so much fruit, that the ladies call him “Papaya." We’ll come walking in, and they’re like, “Hey…it’s Papaya! Come over here, Papaya. We've got lots of fresh papaya for you.” They LOVE him! And, anytime we’re walking around the island, I have to duck and move like a prize fighter to avoid getting punched by The Diet Guru’s quick arm movements, pointing out, “LOOK! There’s a mango tree!” Everyone probably thinks he’s Italian, because of all of his arm movements when he’s talking!
All in all, you can see how much The Diet Guru LOVES his fruit. And, while it may not be an unhealthy food that he seems be almost addicted to, he knows better than to consume it freely without also consuming a balance of other natural foods. He also knows that fruit is a very cleansing food and likes to use it for that purpose. His Fruit Flush 3-Day Detox is my all-time FAVORITE detox! I am going to be performing this fabulous cleanse March 12th-14th, if you’d like to join me.
This past weekend, our family decided to take advantage of the 3-day weekend and head to Orlando. The girls and I were stoked, as we plotted and planned what treats we would bring for our late-night munchies sessions, morning snacks and the grueling 2-hour trip there. The Diet Guru always looks a tad frightened whenever we plan out our foods for our vacations and looks for ways to detour our minds and bodies.
On the day we were to leave, I made my special sausage balls. These are perfect snacks for those early mornings when you aren’t hungry enough to eat a full breakfast, but you need something in your belly to get you through to lunch time. The Diet Guru appeared (conveniently) in the kitchen, just as I was taking them out of the oven. He had that look of terror on his face, and I immediately jumped to my beloved sausage balls’ defense. “They’re made with Pamela’s Baking Mix, organic cheese and sausage,” I quickly told him. But he explained that the sausage balls weren’t the problem. It was the fact that I had made 45 OF THEM! (Apparently, that is a lot.) I didn’t think it was too much. After all, there were 5 of us. Oh, yes, but then he explained that he and I wouldn’t be eating them (we wouldn’t???), so those 45 sausage balls would be divided by three. This was going to be interesting.
He walked into the other room, and I hastily packed up all of the other items that I had made and purchased earlier. I loaded the cooler with my famous cheese ball, containers of sliced cheese, two kinds of pickles and my homemade tomato dip (salsa). I had three JayBags filled with assorted organic crackers, chips and animal crackers for the girls. I also packed some smoked oysters, plates, utensils and napkins. Holy cow, this was going to be fun! About that time, The Diet Guru came into the kitchen and decided to pack HIS items. Ten Rubbermaid containers full of raw veggies (for veggie drinks), a container of raw almonds, a 24 oz bag of Jay Robb Protein, a JayBag FULL of supplements and our VITA-MIX! Wow.
All the organic food I packed really came in handy. When you travel, you are at the mercy of “the world” and what is offered in mainstream America. By planning ahead, I was able to stave off hunger for the entire tribe and The Diet Guru and I got to indulge in his famous Green Protein Shakes (loaded with fresh veggies, raw almonds, and Jay Robb Whey Protein) to recharge our batteries. The healthy snacks kept us from being at the total mercy of restaurant food.
Family trips are always more fun when you plan ahead and do your best to eat properly. But don’t think we didn’t indulge in a little decadent food from time to time this past weekend. We did, but by keeping it to a minimum, we were able to do the theme parks without much collateral damage. And we owe it all to planning ahead, our trusty blender, Jay Robb Whey Protein, a few organic snacks, raw almonds, and a cooler full of veggies and a CHEESE BALL!